so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Randomize
