What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize