did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
