dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Couch. On fire.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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