just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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