just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
