if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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