There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
