and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
