Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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