I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
