I'm laying in your front yard are you home
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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