who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
