I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
