There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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