What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize