I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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