When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
