I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
