Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
