You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize