well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
