Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
