why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
