Your face is a jimmy john
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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