i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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