remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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