Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
