I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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