Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
