We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
