never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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