Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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