Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize