and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
