im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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