Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
