I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
