My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
