help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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