I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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