My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize