The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
