I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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