fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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