I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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