my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
