I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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