Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I got inside last night via doggy door
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
