he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
