Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
