Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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