he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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