Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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