I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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