I think I won the penis lottery.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
