my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
